Last year when I took to write End 2015.Begin 2016, I said something.
I don’t know where I am going, but I like the direction.
In 2015, when I packed my belongings at the workplace, I had friends in awe with full of “respect.” Well-intended seniors offering me words of wisdom and support. Parents at best worried, encouraging partner by my side. All through the chaos, I wondered, how would the transition turn out? How long before, I caved in for a normal life? How long before the corporate cubicle beckoned again? Turns out, 12 months on it is still something I stand by. That fleeting feeling of something unknown, the butterflies tossing my heart around. A year on, I am still curious, still hungry, still restless and foolish. Looking back at the last 365 days, the normal life has turned out to be having numbing conversations about love, identity and happiness, or making a sacred pilgrimage at 10,000 feet plus. One day it was about learning the spiritual connotations of penises or learning about the living root bridges of Meghalaya and at other time it would be finding new workstations for myself!
Losing all that was assured:
The last 12 months have been joyful, stressful, exciting, boring all together. Yes- put the greatest paradoxical words out from a dictionary together and you have bingo- 2016! I lost the consistent 5 figure salary I received. I lost touch with all the financial formalities in the world. I haven’t seen a bank in a year. I do mostly all my transactions online and I haven’t seen a friend apart from the one or two odd wedding events I have attended! This is driving me crazy because I am now scared to meet anybody I might know. I don’t feel like talking to anybody out of fear that we have nothing common to talk anymore.
Living the uncertainties:
I lost my bed to a tent under the Himalayan skies, I rode through some of the most dangerous roads on earth, I played badminton in a nunnery, I finally traveled to Ladakh, I learnt how some people in India, don’t feel they are any Indian. I went through a perpetual flood of tears, smiles, doubts and I survived. Travels were mostly accidental and I didn’t plan anything to tee. I explored some of the most ancient natural root structures and knowledge of ancient Indian tribes. I learnt a thing or two about the Rhino horn smuggling while I tried to mend my broken heart with two assignments which I thought would come my way, but didn’t.
A head-start for sure:
If 2015, was the year of making the decision, then 2016 was the year of making it happen. I set up myself to face uncertainties and this ensured plenty of surprises thrown my way. I traveled and then I wrote. Thrice, it landed me into pretty neat print publications. I got myself recognized in three “top blogger lists.” But the fleeting anxious butterfly still exists and hovers around in my stomach. My heart is sinking and I can feel the stars circling around my head.
2017! I have no idea, what this year has in store for me. As mentioned last year, I still don’t have a plan. I am still not sure of whether this is a life I want to live, I am not sure if 6 months of travel and 6 months of home is what I wanted. I still don’t have money and I still don’t feel comfortable. I don’t feel normal. I feel restless.
But somehow, I get this an eerie feeling. ‘Restless is the new normal.’
What is your definition of normal?